Definition of Alone
by faith-chan11
Summary: Fake smiles. Haunting memories. Selfish desires. Makoto and Haru have been farther apart than ever since their first fight. Something needs to change. And fast.
1. Insecurities

"I'm... Going to a university in Tokyo."

The torturous words seeped into Haru's head over and over. Even though it had been about a month since Makoto and Haru had their first fight, the memory still haunted him. After Haru's excursion to Australia, he finally decided on a dream. It just so happened that Makoto's college was known for its swimming team, so Haru decided to go there. Everything was settled now. Well, kind of.

Since that fight, a horrible sinking feeling was left in Haru's chest. He couldn't help but feel like he was a nuisance to Makoto.

'That's probably why he wanted to leave,' He thought bitterly. 'To get away from me.'

But a life without Makoto would be unbearable. It would be unnatural, like living everyday with a dark sky, or not being able to breathe. Haru felt nauseous at the thought of not having the only person who truly understands him by his side anymore. As a result, Haru gave in to his selfish desire to follow Makoto to college and continue being a burden.

Makoto had also noticed that something was different now. It was in Haru's nature to be distant, but this... was something more. Anyone else would have said he was just his usual self, but Makoto knew him too well to believe that. Only Makoto noticed the hurt in his dull blue eyes and how he refused to meet Makoto's gaze and he would not sleep facing him. Each time it happened it felt like being pierced through the heart with a dull blade. Makoto wanted desperately to take his pain away but he's always been painfully shy and not one to confront so bluntly. But something more than timidity restrained the green eyed boy from addressing Haru's sudden emotional detachment; the fear of rejection. The possibility of being pushed farther away from the one he loved most tormented him. He felt completely useless; like Haru had only come to Tokyo because he felt obligated to take care of him like a weak, injured, kitten.

"Haru?" Makoto's gentle voice asked, snapping Haru out of his thoughts. "Is everything okay?"

'No!' He wanted to say and let Makoto hold him in his strong arms and whisper soothing things to him and to just take away all his worries, but he knew that just being in his presence was a gift that was almost taken away from him, and he was not going to risk losing it.

So instead he gave a weak nod, still not meeting the taller boy's worried emerald eyes.

Makoto gave a tiny smile, but Haru didn't like it one bit. It was Makoto's default smile; It was fake. His mouth curved but he could see pain dimming his usually bright green eyes.

'Does he hate me that much?' Haru thought.

Makoto was desperate at this point. He wanted the old Haru back. But in order for that to happen, he needed to do something; and fast. Him and the blue eyed boy were growing farther apart by the day. The olive haired boy sighed defeatedly.

"Um... Haru... We... We need to talk."

This finally broke his trance. Haru flinched visibly. He knew that tone. Makoto used the same one before that fight. "About what?"

"You've been... different lately."

"So have you."

"I-I'm worried, Haru... You say you're fine but..." He paused to look Haru in the eyes. "I know you're not." He said softly.

The raven haired boy felt his heart jump into his throat. No, he needed to get out of here. He was not going to have another fight. He got up swiftly and started for the door and mumbled a quick, "I'm going out."

"W-wait! Haru!" He called out and tried to grab him, but tripped over his Calculus textbook, leaving the olive haired boy helplessly staring at the slammed door.


	2. Memories

Haru stared at the water below from the railing. This place was calming to him, it reminded him of Iwatobi, with the waves crashing, several boats, the sun setting; It took him away from the hustle and bustle of Tokyo. He knew that he couldn't keep running away from Makoto; they shared an apartment, but he was not having another fight. Never, for as long as he lived. It gave him such a deep rooted fear of seeing Makoto like that again, or even worse, saying something that hurtful to him again.

"If it's just that you can't find a dream for yourself... I... would want you to find one."

"You want me to find one? Is that really something you can find just by looking for it?"

"Well-"

"Forget it. I'm done talking about this."

"Wait!" Makoto grabbed Haru's wrist.

"Let go!" Looking back on this, Haru wished he would have escaped.

"Listen to me!"

"No matter how many times I listen, it's the same! You can't find a dream just by looking for one! I'm fine with the way things are!" Haru was completely honest. He wouldn't have been bothered if he were to stay in Iwatobi with Makoto forever, but this stupid 'future' thing had to complicate everything.

"You're lying! The truth is, you want to find a dream too! You should find that dream, and go into the outside world to follow it! You have the ability to do that!"

Haru's fist clenched. The outside world? He was not too keen on that idea. What was so wrong about staying here at home?

"Even you're talking like this? Where I swim and who I swim for... I'm free to decide that for myself! And I'm saying I'm fine with the way things are!"

Makoto was his one safe place, the one he knew would always be on his side and never pressure him into anything; was suddenly confronting him? No, not the gentle, understanding Makoto he knew. Couldn't Makoto see that he was perfectly happy without changing anything?

"But you're not fine!" Makoto raised his voice suddenly, making Haru's eyes widen. It sounded unnatural; Makoto never sounded so frustrated.

"You're not fine!" He continued. "That's why we're all telling you this! Nagisa, and Rei, and Rin and me..." His voice became softer."It's because we all love you... Because we care about you." His emerald eyes glistened and his voice broke. Haru couldn't find the words to respond. They all... loved him? He felt his heart swell. "Why can't you understand that? We want you to find your dream, to look to the future..." Seriously? He was still on this 'dream and future' thing? He heard enough of it!

'If Makoto really loved me, he wouldn't be pressuring me like this!' Haru thought.

Before he knew what he was saying, the venomous words were spewing from his mouth. The words he would come to regret most in his entire life.

"All you ever do is meddle with everyone!" He snarled and pushed Makoto back with the hand that was still tightly grasped in the other boy's. He was surprisingly easy to push, and now looking back on it with horror, he realised Makoto had let himself get pushed.

"Stop sticking your nose in everyone else's business!" Even in that moment he had immediately wished he hadn't said that. He knew he delivered a low blow by Makoto's wounded expression. He knew his best friend would never get over that, Makoto measures his self worth off of how much help he is to others. Even so, he wasn't done with his rampage yet.

"A dream? A future? Well, what about yours? Stop going on about other people's futures when you haven't even decided on your own!" The taller boy was staring at him with hurt jade eyes and said nothing.

"Well, say something!" Haru wanted him to yell at him or hit him or anything other than stare at him with those kicked puppy eyes. He would have preferred a punch to the gut than what came next. The olive haired boy removed his hand from Haru's wrist. The blue eyed boy stared at his own hand in shock. Makoto had always been the one to grab his hand and pull him up, not let him go! The Makoto he knew would never give him up. Had he finally broken him?

"... I have decided..." Makoto said in a small voice, making Haru feel sick to his stomach. "I'm... Going to a university in Tokyo."


	3. Truly Alone

Haru couldn't register what he had just heard. Makoto... is... leaving him? The one person he knew was a constant. Everyone else had floated in and out of his life except Makoto. He would always be there, he would pull him out of the bathtub, he would take care of him when he was sick, lend him his notes, poke him when he fell asleep in class, and make him feel better on his worst days with his caring smile; He was going to be... gone? His heart beat pounded in his ears and he went completely numb. He barely even noticed the explosion of fireworks in the sky. Makoto was abandoning him. Just like everyone else.

Makoto looked down, not being able to bear Haru's pained blue eyes.

"I meant to tell you sooner... But I just couldn't find a way to say it."

Haru couldn't make sense of any of his words; Everything turned into a blur. All he knew was that he needed to get away from here. He was not about to break down in front of Makoto.

"I-"

"Do whatever you want!" He yelled and ran away. 'Don't leave me!' He wanted to beg, 'Please, I need you here!' But the words died on the tip of his tongue. He couldn't be selfish like that. After all Makoto had done for him, everything he had given up for Haru, now he was finally doing something for himself; and Haru should be happy for him. It was stupid of him to think that Makoto would just stay here in the little blink-and-you-miss-it town of Iwatobi and just push him along in life. Makoto had so much more potential than that, and Haru knew it. But he couldn't help but think that they would be forever. A future without Makoto was unfathomable.

His eyes burned and his knees felt weak but he ran through the pain. He faintly heard his name called but he didn't so much as turn around. By the time he got home he was more out of breath from the sudden news than running. He couldn't even look at anything in his house; It all reminded him of Makoto. His oversized t-shirt he left, the dolphin stuffed animal he gave him a few years back on his birthday, the picture of them after winning the relay. It was all taunting him, adding tons to the weight already restricting his lungs. This was easily the worst night of his life.

He headed straight to his bed and sunk into the blankets. Why did his house feel so much colder? Maybe it was because Makoto just gave off a warm energy wherever he went, and now Haru missed his presence. The pillow muffled his quiet sobs. He found it extremely difficult to fall asleep, his mind mercilessly replayed the agonizing scene over and over, mocking him harsher each time. 'See, he doesn't need you, in fact he's better off without you',

'Don't you see how much you hurt him? He was only helping you because he loves you, you cruel monster'

'He's done everything for you and now he's finally doing something for himself and you can't even be happy for him, you disgusting swine!'

Not even a warm bath would soothe him, he only wanted Makoto to be there and tell him that it was all a horrible nightmare and that everything was going to be okay and hold him until he fell asleep. Haru was used to people leaving; It happened to him all the time. But he was never actually alone, he always had Makoto. But that night, Haru learned the real meaning of alone.


	4. Revelation

"I thought I'd find you here." A familiar, tender voice said from behind him. Of course Makoto would know where he was. Haru sighed. Why had he come here? Couldn't he see he was trying to prevent a fight?

"Haru, please just talk to me. What's really going on?" The blue eyed boy remained silent.

Makoto's voice suddenly became softer, almost a whisper. "Is this about the fight?"

Haru flinched visibly. There was no hiding from Makoto, he just somehow understood everything. "We're not going to talk about that."

"Please just listen-"

"No! It's in the past. There's nothing to talk about."

"Haru, there is! You've been so distant and you always seem hurt every time I look at you! And Haru..." His voice broke. "It hurts me too." Haru's breath hitched. And the dam holding back his thoughts broke to pieces.

"Why do you even care? It's not like you want me here anyways! In fact you'd be better off without me!" Makoto's emerald eyes sparkled with sadness.

"Haru..." Makoto reached up to Haru's face and wiped away the tears he hadn't even known had fallen. "You have to know that's not true... I should have told you this sooner but..." He brushed Haru's jet black bangs out of his face and tilted his chin up so that they were looking in each other's eyes.

"I was never going to leave you." Haru's heart fluttered painfully. "I was going to ask you to come with me after I told you... But you ran away... And I couldn't work up the courage to ask you later... Because... it's a selfish request. I thought you surely wouldn't want to come with me and hold my hand through the rest of my life... But the truth is... if you hadn't come with me... I wouldn't be here."

Haru's heart swelled with relief. Makoto would never leave him! He should have known. Before he knew what he was doing, his arms were tightly secured around Makoto's waist and his face buried in his chest to hide his tears. Makoto smiled softly and returned the embrace, wrapping his arms around the smaller boy and rubbing his back soothingly. Haru felt like for the first time in almost a month, he could actually breathe.

"M-makoto! You could never be selfish! I... wanted to come with you!" He paused to look up at Makoto in the eyes. "It's meaningless without you."

Makoto's eyes glistened at the use of his childhood saying. "Haru!" He pulled the raven haired boy closer and kissed the top of his head. The wall between them was finally broken; crumbled to dust. Makoto smiled a genuine Makoto smile.

"Let's go home."


	5. Never Again

They wasted no time when they got home to entwine into each other's arms. "Haru, you have to know by now... You have to..." Haru waited for him to continue. "...I love you... I've always loved you..." Haru smiled a tiny one. Of course he knew. It was impossible to not know, with Makoto's gazes towards him filled with sunshine, constant worrying and fussing over him, and just everything about him screamed 'love'.

"I know." He stood on his tiptoes to press his forehead to Makoto's. "I love you too." That was all Makoto needed to hear. He held the smaller boy's face in his hands and gently pressed his lips against the other's. Haru wrapped his arms around Makoto's neck. The universe was back in balance again. It felt... natural. They eventually broke apart their lips but still clung to each other for dear life. Haru rested his head on Makoto's shoulder sleepily. This really had been a long day. Makoto ran his hand through the blue eyed boy's soft hair and chuckled lightly.

"Isn't it past someone's bed time?" Haru nodded, too tired to protest.

"I agree. Let's go to bed."

"M-Makoto. Um..." His voice tapered off.

"Hm? What was that?"

Haru turned his head away shyly and mumbled "Nothing..."

Makoto was not going to accept that answer. He gently turned Haru's chin to face him. "Please tell me, Haru-Chan." His green eyes pleading.

The raven haired boy inhaled deeply. There was no going back now.

"Can... can I sleep in your bed tonight?" He asked with a growing blush. The taller boy chuckled once more into Haru's neck.

"Of course. I want you to."

How was it even possible for Makoto to have a more comfortable bed? He and Haru had the exact same one but his... was warmer, more inviting... But it probably had more to do with the person who was in it. This night he not only slept facing Makoto, but wrapped in his arms.

"Makoto?"

"Hm?" He verbalized, preoccupied playing with Haru's soft black hair.

"I-I didn't mean anything that I said that night... If it weren't for you... I'd be nothing. Y-you know that..." His sapphire eyes tearing up. Makoto shook his head.

"No, no Haru... Don't worry about it. It's my fault-"

"No, Makoto. It's my fault. You were only trying to help me and I lashed out because I knew what you were saying was true and I didn't want to believe it."

Makoto kissed his cheek which loosened Haru's frown.

"I know you didn't mean it, Haru-Chan. You were just under too much pressure. It's in the past right? It'll never happen again." He said lovingly.

Haru knew it would never happen again. He wasn't going to allow it.

"I love you, Makoto." He held Makoto closer to reinforce. Makoto smiled incoherently, the harsh day had taken its toll.

"I love you, Haruka." His heart fluttered at the use of his full name. Haru finally gave into sleep with his head rested comfortably on Makoto's strong chest.

"I swear I will never leave you." Makoto whispered with one final kiss on his head before he too gave in to sleep. Neither of them were going to allow anything to come between them again.


End file.
